Ask Amanda

Dear Amanda,

Over the past few months, I've gotten to know this guy. He's pretty much perfect for me except for the distance and our mutual approach to dating (non-committal).

But then, he emailed me saying there's this 'other woman' and then asked for my response. How should I respond when I know I have no claim to him yet I still feel disappointed?

-Dumped without Dating

Dear Dumped without Dating,

Jerk.

Nothing is more unnerving than disappointment, especially preemptive disappointment. Along comes Mr. Perfect. He doesn't necessarily sweep you off your feet (but you know he could), he says exactly the right things (albeit electronically), and he gives you all the space you need (after all he's 900 miles away). Despite the shortfalls, Mr. Potentially Perfect in all his non-committal glory is perfect for your current situation. Or at least he was before this messily ambiguous 'other woman' scenario surfaced.

On one hand, his honesty is admirable in an ironically charming sort of way. Of course celebrating another one of his flawless qualities will only encourage a self-pity wallow in the mud of what-could-have-been. On the other hand, no matter how direct or tactful his attempt, this 'other woman' preference stinks like a compost bucket that never gets rinsed.

Moreover, by asking your opinion and stating that this woman is 'other', he actually acknowledges that you and him are something (stab) and that he does indeed value your opinion (double stab). Jerk. How frustrating that in the moment your relationship becomes it simultaneously ceases to exist.

So you don't have claim to him, but even if you were in a committed relationship he would have the ultimate say in determining his own course of action. That's why relationships are so frustratingly difficult - they involve another person.

And whatever the unseemly scenario, your claims to feeling disappointed, envious, disgusted, or slightly vehement are completely valid. Tell him what you feel (in a tactful manner). A direct response will return the ball back to his court. For your own personal well-being, I recommend an evening séance surrounded by similarly-oriented peers. Print up his emails and burn them if you must, but mostly enjoy being encircled by those who would never pick another woman' over you.

-Amanda