Ask Amanda

Dear Amanda,

Is it ever right to cut off a friend completely, if you've had a misunderstanding? Let's say a friend is being particularly needy or overbearing, and you react negatively to that, then they freak out, you freak-out, then in mid-freak-out, you tell them to hit the road.

-Too Much Freaking Out

Dear Freaking Out,

Uh oh.

I suppose you could cut off this friend completely. You could ‘accidentally' misplace her memory at the bottom of a pile of smelly socks, dirty dishes, and that Intro to Soc syllabus you promptly threw on the floor for quick and easy reference. Or, with justified contempt, you could bury his forgotten material possessions discretely in the quad by the softball field (do this under the cover of darkness). Probably most effective would be to block him on IM. Nothing says ‘you don't matter' like a good virtual and probably unnoticed Buddy block.

But typically, I lean towards keeping friends at all costs. After all, being needy and overbearing is what being a friend is all about. This needy friend needs you. You matter to her. And no reason too small (her GPA) or seemingly trivial (should she wear green to match her eyes or blue to match her hair?) is justification for disownment. In my opinion, a needy friend ranks higher than a distant one. Distant friends easily turn imaginary.

Basically, this person is valuable to you. Otherwise you wouldn't have considered them your friend in the first place. Despite all the freaking out, your needy friend can positively contribute to your life as long as you establish boundaries that respect both your own needs and those of the overbearing.

Your social circumstance is unfortunate but hopefully not irreversible. To reclaim the social bond I suggest small powerfully manipulative gifts such as chocolate. A bit of groveling might be in order even if you feel not-as-much-at-fault. Freak outs happen and they will continue to occur as long as people interrelate. Personally, I regard friendships highly and find them extremely nifty in times of dire calamity. A friend in need is a friend indeed.

-Amanda