G-Money's Guide to College

Having finally reached the 16th grade, it occurs to me that I have this college thing pretty well figured out. I'm sure my fellow upperclasspeople feel similarly, but it wasn't too long ago that I too was a cowering first-year. Being of a benevolent nature and possessing the infinite confidence and knowledge that only a 21-year-old can have, I hereby present the full sum of what I have learned at EMU.

Stay in school - By age 18, we're all ready to move away from home, but that doesn't mean we want to go to work everyday to earn a living. Thankfully the banking industry hears that we're students and quickly frees us from financial responsibility. Student loans cover tuition, room, and board. Credit cards with frequent limit increases fund those oft-needed and well-deserved midnight trips to the Waffle House. By the end of your four years at EMU, your bank account balance will be merely a fraction of your debt load, but do not worry. This is why people go to graduate school.

Travel light - It's the serious looking students that walk around with a bookcase strapped to their backs. Yes, these students look like they know what they're talking about, and that's why they always get asked questions in class. I recommend attending class with one ball-point pen (more than one and people will be wanting you to share) and one medium sized notebook for doodling. Be sure to look up attentively from time to time, but never ever make eye contact with the professor. That's just begging for a question about last night's reading.

Only read topic sentences - If you only read topic sentences, you would be done with this article by now and back to looking up friends on Stalkerbook. Enough said.

Minimize time on Facebook - Just because your roommate has more friends on Facebook than you do doesn't mean you need to go trolling around for grade school acquaintances. And refrain from frequent poking. Not even Mark Zuckerberg knows what a poke is, but we're all pretty sure it's naughty.

Give backrubs. College is stressful, which means backrubs are always appropriate. Just remember the look of sheer delight on German Chancellor Angela Merkel's face when President Bush surprised her with a loving squeeze on the shoulders at the G8 Summit. If backrubs work on leaders of the free world, they'll certainly work on that young lady or gentleman sitting beside you in class.

Know your genealogy - If you're a Mennonite, you're probably sitting beside a third cousin that you never met. Contact your grandmother for a background check before proceeding with a backrub.

Create diversions - So the backrub was poorly received and your professor just asked a question about something that wasn't covered in the topic sentences. In this situation I rely on the example set by my personal idol, Vice President Dick Cheney. With the Iraq war in shambles and his office under investigation for leaking classified information, Cheney went out and shot his hunting buddy. And what was the headline in the papers the next day? I rest my case.

Dress warmly - I can count on one hand the number of days that my old room in Oakwood had heat during the winter. EMU says that they are trying to save money, but in reality they're trying to give us soft, modern Mennonites the farmhouse experience we never had. Have lots of covers and be prepared to watch your breath in the cool night air as you shiver to sleep in your room.

Become a Democrat - Remember the indebtedness we talked about at the beginning of this article? You are poor now, and Republicans are no friends of the poor.

Lastly, take responsibility for yourself - Instead of fuming about that cheap shot I just took at your political party, write to The Weather Vane and try to explain what President Bush has done to help the poor in the last five and a half years. And when you fail out of school and people of the opposite gender find you inappropriate because you followed the advice in this column, do not blame this columnist. You the reader, are the one taking life skills advice from an unemployed, indebted and single student.

Contact Galen at galen.wenger@emu.edu