The transforming power of a word

I have a confession to make: it seems that I am a closet Republican. All this time, I thought that Kerry was the "intelligent one," the "more educated candidate." You know, the one who got better than a "C" average at Yale. But then it happened-"Vociferous"-Bush said "Vociferous." And my world has been turned upside down.

I mean, sure, he didn't say it correctly. Not even close. In fact, what came out was more like "focifurus," but he said it-that's the important thing-that's what I'm trying to bring out here.

Not only do I now support Bush (the educated man's man), but with great vigor I attempt to include vociferous into my daily vocabulary. "Vocifiturus," "vocifurouser," "vociferousness:" it has such a delightful ring to it-this man is a genius, a god, a veritable Jesus-like figurine.

But let's not get off track here-as excited as I am about my recent conversion to the Republican Party-let me indulge in "une petite discussion politique." I will admit, I haven't always been a fan of Bush's policies: pulling out of the Kyoto Accords, catering to big business, giving only 14.6% of the tax cut to the bottom 60% of the population, turning a blind eye to important environmental regulations, leading us blindly into a war against an undefined adjective; but the guy's got an unwavering vision for America (or at least the wealthiest 2% of us).

People talk. People say, "Bush doesn't care about Americans," or "Bush is systematically increasing the stratification within our society, abandoning the education of our children, and disenfranchising the impoverished sectors of our communities." To the latter I say, "now that I support Bush, I'm going to pretend I didn't understand a word you said." But to the former I say, "at least Bush isn't a flip-flopper like Kerry. I mean, the guy should work at Waffle House or Burger King, or something."

First Kerry says he supports disarming Hussein, then he says we are going about it wrong, and then he says we're going about it all wrong, while still saying that it was a good idea to disarm Hussein . . . When will this guy stop flip-flopping?!

Kerry seems to imply that the "ends" do not justify the "means." How unchristian is that?

Now that I am a wholehearted supporter of Bush I find that I fit in much better with much of the nation's Christians-the ones I had so naively labeled "civil religion types." People have discontinued talking about me as a "complex thinker," or "advocate for women's rights." Now I receive much more positive comments such as: "You have a real heart for God," "I'm glad you're not a baby killer like you used to be," and "You're not as deep as I thought you were-I like simple guys."

I can go to pro-life rallies now and not feel like I'm being politically ignorant. I can attend the young Republicans Club and talk about my stock portfolio over a glass of fine wine.

The doors to the world have swung open for me. I am a new man! [Man, mind you: I have recently lost all respect for women] . . . And all because of one word, "Vociferousness." And one fine man, George W. Bush.

So when November comes, join with me in voting for the candidate who stands above the rest-metaphorically-and leads us all, like Joshua, into a land flowing with milk and honeys. God Bless America. (As for the other 5.7 billion people, may they repent, pleading to the god of the United States for mercy.)