Singleness as Opportunity

Matt Styer

Douglas Wandersee, Sandy Brownscombe, and Rachel Smith discuss their perspectives on singleness at Common Grounds Monday evening.

Being single in our couple-oriented society presents itself with unique opportunities and challenges.

Three single members and one recently married member of the EMU community shared their perspectives and experiences of single life at Common Grounds on Monday evening.

Sandy Brownscombe, Associate Professor of Teacher Education and Physical Education; Brian Martin Burkholder, Campus Pastor; Douglas Wandersee, Assistant Director of Student Programs and Orientation; and Rachel Smith, Roselawn Resident Director led an interactive dialogue about life as a single adult outside the college scene.

Brownscombe shared her experience of being single at the beginning of the Women's Movement. "You know there was this feeling of hitting 25 and becoming an old maid," she said. More importantly, there were pressures from the family. "So are you dating anyone?" her family would ask repeatedly. "When are you going to get married?"

Brownscombe would respond, "It's not getting married that's the important part; I'm looking for someone that I can stay married to." After teaching at EMU for several years, her opinion took yet another perspective. "I had to decide if I'd do what I thought God's will was, or if I should run off to another city just to find a man." After reflecting on those years she added, "Looking back I can see that I am a better person now with all my experiences."

Burkholder claims that as a man he never felt societal pressure to be married in his twenties to mid thirties. He did explain a feeling of loneliness. "I believe there's this deep longing to be with someone." At age 40 Burkholder married for the first time. Now he warns, "But marriage is not the fix-all. It's a lot of work on both ends. It takes risks and trust. The difference is there's a ready made support system with it."

"Relationships are not a cure for loneliness. Know why you're getting into them," said Wandersee. "I see singleness as one of the few windows of life to choose to be alone and learn something about myself."

The experiences clearly shared a need for family and friendship. "Whatever you're interested in, keep doing those things after college. It will be a way to keep that network [of friends] open," Wandersee advised. Burkholder agreed, "For me the key was finding that network of singles and young adults. We created our own family; it was the balance to living alone." Brownscombe added, "I would encourage you to find someone who understands you at church that you can sit with. You know, it's a family time and then you're all by yourself but it's a really important place to be. It's much easier to find them [a befriended family] then to go 'Oh, gosh. Where do I sit?"

Is singleness a calling? Rachel Smith has reflected upon this concept of singleness and has concluded, "Today I am called to be single. Apparently, that's what God wants for me right now. But I don't know what's down the road."