Basic tenet of faith

I'd like to add a few things to the article last week about my wife. I've struggled with Pat's decision to leave the marriage. Anyone who has been married for 25 years does not want to see their marriage end.

However, I respect the decision she made out of integrity to be who she was created to be. Gender identity is not something that is chosen. I believe that it is something that is God given and can not be chosen or changed. There is a lot of talk about it being choice, but usually by people who are not gay. When you act and fulfill a role in marriage, church and society that is not who you are, it creates an internal tension and turmoil that is difficult for heterosexuals to understand. So while I grieved the ending of our marriage, I understood her desire for wholeness to be who she was created to be.

As Pat and I processed out separation and divorce, we felt compelled to do it in a way that was loving and with respect and integrity for each of us, our family and the communities we are part of. While divorce is not the ideal, so often things get swept under the carpet, buried, and ignored only to resurface in unhealthy ways. We felt it important to have a ceremony of separation and healing.

About a month ago, Pat and I and family members gathered with 40 friends from CTP, EMU and Community Mennonite Church in the Discipleship Center in a circle of healing. This was a time based on the peacemaking circles used in First Nations traditions that have been adapted for peacemaking and restorative justice. It was a beautiful time to practice what I've been learning in CTP. Everyone was a participant as we shared in times of lament, confession, forgiveness and hope for wholeness. It was a time in which Pat and I could part as husband and wife stating publicly our intention to remain friends and continue as a family even though removed in distance. It truly was a time of transformation and healing. Healing is a long process but the circle was a milestone in that process.

People often live out of fear of what they don't know. They often act and make rules out fear - as if homosexuality is a disease, or an orientation that can be taught and so live in fear of their children, others, or even of themselves catching or being taught this "dreaded disease." We could debate the biblical rightness or wrongness of homosexuality until the cows come home, but not be any closer to the truth of how to live together as community. When we focus on a specific issue(s) we end up missing the forest for the trees.

What I do see as a basic tenet of biblical faith is an ethic of love, mercy and justice as exemplified in Jesus. If Jesus is the foundation of the church, then we should be looking to him as an example of who we should be individually and collectively. (It is interesting that he doesn't say anything about homosexuality). Instead of following Jesus' invitation to all to come and participate, the church/school feels the need to put up "fences" (lifestyle statements) to decide who is in and who is out.

It saddens me that so much effort gets put into boundary minding that the central ethic of love is often lost. We end up being functional fundamentalists living under the (Mennonite) "law". I'm sure this will change in time, unfortunately though, at this point it causes pain for many.