Wanted: a few better men

Macho. Crude. Insensitive. Controlling. Obsessed with sex.

These were some of the first responses I got at a recent men's seminar when I asked what they thought society's perceptions were of us males. They agreed these unflattering labels weren't true of all men all the time, but admitted that our gender had earned all too many of these labels.

We men do often behave badly. We leer at women, demean them by focusing on their body parts, and sometimes use, abuse and abandon them. We are all too often not good people.

And then we wonder why we have such a hard time developing good relationships, why we may not always enjoy the happily-ever-after life we've always hoped for.

I'll never forget the advice an older high school teacher once gave: "If you want a good woman, you have to be a good man. It's as simple as that."

That sounds basic. Just be a good man. You can only deserve the kind of person you are. But what is that kind of person like?

For starters, a good man shows a high level of respect--for everyone. He treats women the way he would have other men treat his own sister, mother or daughter.

A good man is honest. An "I love you" is never used just to get someone to give him what he wants, but is matched by kind, caring behavior in every part of his life.

A good man doesn't indulge in pornographic fantasies of artificially endowed models dying to have sex with him. He recognizes pornography use as not only infantile but dangerously addictive and downright harmful to relationships.

A good man honors his commitments. When he says "for better or for worse," he means it. When he promises "until death do us part," he honors that promise.

A good man aims to be a good lover, but realizes lasting love has more to do with being patient than being passionate, with being kind and dependable than just amorous in bed.

A good man develops the qualities it takes to be a decent Dad. If and when he has children, he is able to provide for their needs and to make them a number one priority in his life.

But is being a good man really possible?

Not perfectly, of course, and maybe not always, but God will love and bless us in our pursuit of becoming good men. And the women, children and other good folks in our lives will forever thank us.

Harvey Yoder and Donna Van Horn offer counseling services to students at the Wellness Suite in the EMU Commons.