Back home again

‘Whenever I go home I'm made to feel like a twelve year old again,’ one young adult laments. ‘My mother wants to know everything about my personal life, and my Dad is giving me advice on an hourly basis.’

When students return home after a time of separation they may find it easy to slip back into familiar roles--dutiful child or rebellious teen--or maybe even distant stranger.

Is there a better way? How can we take an adult position with our parents, show equal respect for them and for ourselves, as fellow grown-ups?

As a former college student (way former) and now a parent of three young adults, I offer the following:

1. Don't resist or resent your folks. Listen patiently, agree where you can, and differ respectfully where you must.

2. Talk. Initiate good conversations, avoid pointless arguments, and focus on common interests. Be willing to discuss problem areas, but only if and when you can do it in a rational way. And don't let your differences get in the way of having as good a time as possible.

3. Don't expect your parents to take care of you. Thank them for their ongoing concerns but free them from any obligation to micromanage your life or to come to your rescue whenever you are in trouble.

4. Take an interest in their lives. You can benefit from whatever wisdom they've gained—without feeling like you have to live up to all of their expectations or fulfill all of their dreams.

5. Don't take everything personally. Parents may try to hold on to you—or even control you—longer than you would like. But, hey, they're parents, and never the perfect ones you feel you deserve (like the ones you'll be, of course, when you have kids).

6. Final advice (forgive me, a parent can't resist):

a) Show a high level of respect (the same you want shown to you).

b) Maintain a moderate level of expectations (nobody's perfect).

c) Keep a low level of anxiety (the more mature you feel, the calmer you'll behave).

Of course, you can just forget everything I've told you, and just have a great spring break.

But someday you'll wish you'd listened.

Counselors Harvey Yoder and Donna Van Horn are available by appointment by calling extension 4317.