Dating for the short haul

For some time now, murmurs of revolution have been spreading across college campuses near and far. Few are willing to join the ranks of college students fighting to make a change. Yet I will put myself on the line, risking slaughter in the public eye, to give voice to my cause.

Recently, I’ve become acutely aware of the dating scene (or lack thereof) on our small, (mostly) Mennonite campus. Perhaps this awareness has come about as a result of becoming a senior - one who is still single. Perhaps it’s because last year, after coming out of a long-term relationship, I wanted to start dating again but found that doing so was not as easy as I had hoped. At any rate, I’ve come to see dating in a different light than most of my peers.

When I initially expressed my desire to date, the main response I heard was, "Just hang out in groups – that’s as good a way as any to get to know guys." I found myself facing what seemed to be an insurmountable challenge. In order to get to know members of the opposite sex, I was supposed to hang out with my guy friends in group settings. But I didn’t have guy friends to hang out with. That, to me, was the reason that I wanted to go out on dates – to get to know people. Specifically, male people. It appeared to be a hopeless situation.

Upon returning to campus this fall, I began evaluating the dating culture at EMU more in-depth. What I found was this; in essence, such a culture is non-existent. People don’t go on casual dates. Instead, my peers go about relationships in the following way.

Step one: Hang out with that "special interest" in large groups.

Step two: Continue hanging out in groups, while concentrating on that "special interest."

Step three: Have a DTR ("Defining the Relationship") talk with that "special interest."

Step four: Declare your dating status to your friends.

At this point, the next step may be a few months or a few years down the road but generally involves either a painful breakup or a much-anticipated engagement.

While I won’t argue that this approach to dating has its benefits, I must contend that it requires high amounts of emotional involvement and a readiness to commit for the long-haul, and it may result in broken hearts and emotional drainage if a ring never enters the picture. I am NOT saying this is the inevitable result of all serious dating relationships. I am simply arguing that there exists another valid approach, particularly for those of us in whom interest has been piqued by a number of "eligibles."

Enter: the casual dating concept. Now, hold onto your seats, folks, this is a pretty radical idea. (What can I say, I do hail from the breeding ground of liberalism – Goshen, Indiana.) Through discussion with numerous others, I’ve concluded that I am not the only one who would like to go out with a few different people without committing to a long-term relationship. The solution, then, is to just take the jump and invite Mr./Ms. Eligible to do something one-on-one. I caution against overanalyzing (as we women are apt to do) and to go into the date expecting, at most, a new friend.

If you are hesitant to take me at my word, consider this; I am not at all a risk-taker. However, I recently called one of those above-mentioned eligibles and asked him to dinner. Goodness knows I was nervous as all get-out. He kindly accepted, and we had a good dinner and good conversation. No matter if something comes of the date or not, I had an enjoyable time and got to know a new person a little bit better. For me, this is what casual dating is all about. I must clarify that it’s not the job of either the man or the woman to do the asking. Rather, if you are interested in getting to know someone over dinner, coffee, or what have you, go ahead and ask. It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female; truth is, it’s scary no matter what your gender. But chances are, the recipient of your invitation will be flattered and accept your offer.

Give it a shot; see what happens, but don’t expect to be looking at rings after just one date. And if you receive such an invitation, just try it; the way I see it, you never know until you go.

(Oh, and as for who pays... that’s your dilemma.)

Carrie June Landis is a single senior woman. She enjoys ethnic foods, speaking Spanish, and playing games (but not with her heart). She can be reached by email at landisc@emu.edu. She contends that she is not desperate, just available.