Let the stench begin

College is supposed to be a time when we the students become independent thinkers. Our faith should become our own; we decide which movies are too risqué or not, and we can leave the table without eating all the vegetables on our plate. Unfortunately, EMU is a place where we are not independent thinkers because of choices EMU has subtly implemented for us.

I was wondering why this semester was going along more smoothly than past ones here at EMU. Maybe it was because I live off campus, am only taking three credits, or maybe because IHOP now has two 50 percent off nights for college kids. Then I realized it was because I could go back to the days of childhood and take a bath rather than a shower.

In the real world, most houses have the shower/bathtub combo. At EMU, except for in Roselawn, the on-campus housing has only showers. Not only are showers unsafe for tired, intoxicated students, but they also are petrifying to those of us with certain forms of the little known ablutophobia-the fear of washing.

EMU allows students to be vegetarians but it has little to no respect for bathatarians. Bathatarians believe that showers are harmful to the skin because of the water’s violent force. They also are anti-shower because Jesus never showered, and they take seriously following his example. However, unless they travel to the crusty bathtubs of Roselawn, they must go unclean or violate their own beliefs.

Another problem in a bathtub-less campus is that of limited stress-relieving options. As a kid, when a girl I like checked "No" when I told her I liked her and asked how she felt about me, I could drown my sorrows (not literally) in a nice warm bubble bath. Now when a girl stalls and finally comes up with the excuse that she kissed dating goodbye, I can only wallow in my misery.

In response to EMU’s attempt to brainwash all bathtub thoughts out of our head, I call all students to join with me in a shower strike protest. People have effectively used hunger strikes before and I bet this shower strike will be just as powerful. The first step of this revolution is not to shower. The second step is to visit various members of administration with no posters or flyers, just home-grown body odor. If they get enough visits from smelly, freedom minded students, things will have to change.

Do not be scared or intimidated by possible disdain from friends; some people have already begun the protest. An anonymous member of Hillside Suite 308 said, "In solidarity with the shower-less people of the world, we haven’t showered for the past two weeks."